ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
