I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
