I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
