So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
