When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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