you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
