This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked