Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
