Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.