It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.