If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
