Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I AM VODKA MAN
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
