i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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