I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
