I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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