I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
