As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
