How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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