I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found a bag of teeth...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
