Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
