Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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