you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
