On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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