guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
