so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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