This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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