i think my tv is drunk
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
