She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
