Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
