I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
