If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
