I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
