I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
