Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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