I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
