Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
