You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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