I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
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No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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