i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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