i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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