I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
