the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm too high and old for this...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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