the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need moral support for this bender
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
