Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We left an ass print on the piano.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize