In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
