Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
