i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
