Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
