One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
