im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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