At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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