i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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