i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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