filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize