She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the day after is always just damage control
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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