Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
