You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
