As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
